Basic French Etiquette

The Essentials

If I were asked what makes the most difference to enjoying Paris and France, I would say, “Understanding and obeying just a few basic rules of French etiquette.” You’ll see that these are dead simple, but I can tell you that your experience interacting with Parisians (and all French people) will be more enjoyable and warmer if you know these small politenesses and pay attention to using them.

The French – and Parisians particularly – once had a stereotype of being nasty and cold to Americans. Honestly, I doubt this stereotype was true, as Parisians are, after all, people just like you and me; if you treat anyone with respect and kindness, they will respond with respect and kindness; treat them condescendingly and coldly – especially when you’re in their home city - and you can rightfully expect to receive the same treatment.

A illustrative story: It was way past noon but Laurie and I hadn’t eaten lunch. We wanted to buy a couple sandwiches, which every boulangerie in Paris sells, but we’d waited too late; they were all closed for the afternoon or had sold out of sandwiches. Finally, we found a small store - an epicerie, a kind of delicatessen - with a sign in the window offering sandwiches. We entered, said “Bonjour” and ordered two sandwiches. As the only clerk in the store sliced the ham and cheese and made the sandwiches, another person entered. “Bonjour” said our sandwich-maker; no response. The customer walked around a bit and left without a word. As he got to the door, our sandwich-maker said in a loud voice, “Au revoir, monsieur.” The eye-baller turned and looked at him without saying anything, then turned back to the door, “Au revoir, monsieur!” our guy practically yelled. No response as the fellow walked out. Knowing he was American, I apologized to the employee for my countryman. “Pas de problem,” he replied, meaning he knew it wasn’t my fault.

Sound rash? Maybe, but it really opened my eyes to the importance that French people place on small politenesses. I’ve seen other examples. You won’t believe how much better your interaction with French people will be if you remember and follow some basic rules of etiquette. I can’t emphasize enough how important the French think these are, and even if they know you’re a tourist and don’t know these small rules, they’ll react to your use or non-use of them. As you’ll see, these are simple things, so it’s no effort at all to use them. Please learn them and get into the habit of using them all the time.

We’ve spent many months in France and much time in Paris and have run into one French person who got ornery with us: a waiter. That’s it. I mangle their language and the response may be a polite correction, but never have we encountered nastiness because we didn’t speak French perfectly. But we go to Paris with the attitude that we’re in their home, and we love their city and their culture and their food and their wine and so on, and that attitude shows. Believe that the French people we interact with pick up on that. Over the years, as we’ve learned enough “situational” French to communicate a little bit better, our interactions with French folks have gotten better. But we believe that the biggest factor in having good interactions is that we try to be as sensitive to French culture and customs and etiquette as possible. Honestly, we cringe when we see Americans in restaurants who make zero attempt to use even one word of French, expecting to be understood and catered to in English.

Here, then, are a few basic forms of etiquette that will improve your Parisian experience. I guarantee it.

“Bonjour”

Let’s start off with the easiest and probably most important thing you can do to make your France visit better: start every conversation with “Bonjour.” Every conversation. This is important to the French. Not a little important, extremely important. I can recall some interactions in which I just started off spouting what I wanted to say without the opening “Bonjour;” the subsequent conversation was definitely cooler than expected. This is easy: when you want to say something to or ask something of a French person, start by saying, “Bonjour.” Then wait a second or two for that person to respond with a “Bonjour;” I promise they will. This short interaction establishes a bond between the two of you, and that bond is important to the French person.

When you order a sandwich in a boulangerie, wait your turn and when the staff indicates that it’s your turn, say “Bonjour,” wait a second for the response, then ask for what you want.

When you’re in a store and a clerk comes to you, say “Bonjour.”

If you need to ask directions of someone, start with “Bonjour.”

Get the drift here? Bonjour, all the time.

“Bonsoir”

In the evening, substitute “Bonsoir” (bunswar) for Bonjour. If you forget and say Bonjour, no one is going to care or comment, but you might as well do it right. When do you stop saying Bonjour and start saying Bonsoir? I asked a few French friends and got a few answers: Five o’clock; six o’clock; after dark, etc. My advice and practice is: about six p.m or when the sun is setting and it’s starting to get dark. Honestly, no one is going to say a word or think badly of you if you start using Bonsoir at a different time than they do. Unless you use it at 1 in the afternoon, as I did once. Once. I got a polite lecture from the server about that!

To make it all a little more interesting, when you leave a place during the day – that is, during the bonjour time - you say “Au revoir” (pronounced “ovwar” – all one word). At night, you can leave with a “Bonsoir,” as “Bonsoir” can mean “Good evening” at both arrival and departure.

But you don’t use “Bonjour” as a parting statement during the day; it’s just not done.

And, if it’s really late at night when you depart a place and you figure your host is going right to bed, you can say “Bon nuit” (bun noo-wee). But honestly, “Bonsoir” works just fine leaving a place in the evening.

More Important Words and Phrases

You don’t have to learn French to improve your time in Paris but learning just a few words will really help. Here are what I consider the essential:

Bonjour - see above
S’il vous plait (Seal voo play). Please.
Merci (Mare-see). Thank you.

If you learn and use those three words, I guarantee that your interactions with French people will be smoother and friendlier.

Some more:
Bonsoir - see above
Au revoir (oh-vwar) – Good bye
Je regrette, je ne parle pas la Françai” (pronounced “je regret, je parl pah la Francais.) “I don’t speak French.” Yes, that’s right, despite what you learned in high-school French, the “ne” negation is seldom used in spoken French, though it’s still the official correct way to form a negative sentence and it’s still used in written French.

I cannot emphasize this enough: if you learn and use these phrases, every interaction with a Parisian will be warmer and better. Really, it’s four phrases: “Bonjour/bonsoir”, “S’il vous plait,” Merci” and “Au revoir.” Please, please, please use them.

In Shops

As in all of France, Paris has many small shops, attended by the owner and maybe an employee or two. These people believe their store is an extension of their home, and when you enter their store, you’re entering their home, so say “Bonjour” when you enter, even if you’re just going to look. When you order something or ask for something, always do it with a “S’il vous plait.” Then, when you leave, say “Au revoir” or “Merci, au revoir” even if you haven’t said a word to anyone.

Note what I said above: when you enter a small shop, say “Bonjour” even if it seems no one notices you or is listening to you. They may not be actively listening, but in the back of their minds they will notice if you fail to observe this little nicety. Really. It’s likely that the owner or employee nearest you will respond with a “Bonjour” but if not, don’t worry. They know you’re there.

It’s possible an employee will come to you and ask if he or she can help you with anything. In Paris, I can almost guarantee that the employee already knows you don’t speak French and almost always knows you’re American or English; if the employee speaks English, they’ll use it. If not, well, sign language works. In any case, it’s almost certain that the employee will start with “Bonjour,” to which you reply…? Yes, of course; you reply “Bonjour” and then start the conversation.

In larger stores or supermarkets, you won’t say anything when you enter because there’s no one there to say it to. But when you reach the cashier or if you interact with any employee, start with a “Bonjour” and leave with a “Merci, au revoir.” Always. Always!

Entering a restaurant, say “Bonjour” to the person who comes to seat you. Say “Bonjour” to the server when he or she comes to your table.

Have a question of someone? Start with “Bonjour.”

I suspect by now you’re getting the idea.

I know that this seems like a small thing but is not; it’s a big deal. I have seen merchants get ornery with people coming into their store, looking around and leaving without saying a word, and I once had a cooler-than-expected transaction in a boulangerie in which I’d shopped every other day for a month and so was well-known; later I realized I had not started with “Bonjour” that morning. I have little doubt that was why I noticed a less-friendly interaction.

Don’t just leap into English, thinking everyone will understand. In Paris, it’s likely that someone around will speak some English, but you will have a better interaction if you start with “Bonjour.” You might add “Je regrette, je ne parle pas la Français” (pronounced “je regret, je parl pah la Francais.” Starting this way, the person to whom you’re talking will likely switch to English but appreciate that you started in French. I cringe seeing Americans not even trying to say bonjour, au revoir, s’il vous plait and merci. It just isn’t that difficult.

How Many with Your Hands

Because I think my French pronunciation lacks a little um, je ne sais pas, when I order a small quantity of something I always show the number with my hands as well as saying it. The first time I remember doing this, I ordered two sandwiches in a boulangerie, saying to the employee, “Je prends deux sandwich”, and holding up this:

When I was ready to pay, I was surprised to find that I had three sandwiches. Once we got it straightened out, I remembered: the French (and Germans and Italians and all other European countries) use this sign for the number two:

It’s great to use your hands when ordering a quantity of something but remember, this is how you show numbers in France:

Where in the United States we use:

Etiquette – important but not essentials

Here’s one I hope you don’t have to use, but if you do, it’s really helpful:

J’ai un problem (Jhay anh problem – kind of a soft ‘j’) – “I have a problem.” If you have a problem that someone can help you solve, start the conversation with: “Bonjour Monsieur/Madam/Mademoiselle). J’ai un problem.” We have heard and seen that French people really want to help solve a problem, and this phrase seems to trigger that urge in them. We ran into a problem once —a credit card left the day before in the café of a museum—and I started the effort to find it and get it back by saying to the fellow in charge at the door “Bonjour, monsieur. J’ai un problem.” By the time we retrieved our credit card, half a dozen people had gotten involved, all wanted to help, and all were happy when the card was found and returned to us.

Summary

See, I told you it wasn’t difficult. I promise you these little things will help you be more comfortable in your interactions with French people.